I Carry the Legacy of the Feminine in My Blood.
“I am safe. In this lifetime and from this moment on, across all space and time, I am safe.”
The first affirmation I consciously used was for my period pain. It was simple, and on the first day of my period of every month for several years, with immense pain but with great resolve, I chanted:
“I relax and let go.”
And then, “I relax and let myself breathe,” as I breathed in and out of my body.
After several attempts, it eventually helped to relax my body from convulsing so then I could start working with the pain. It was successful.
The second affirmation was about safety. I began using it about seven years back, and continue to do this today.
It took two years of constant practice of saying both of these affirmations before I felt some sense of safety to be in the world with a womb.
It took two more years before I felt okay to start reconnecting with my own body again.
It took one more year to start speaking without choking.
It took another year to be able to start living in my body.
I realized my period pain, my hating on my feminine, was related to my fear of embodying the Feminine in my body. My fear of living in the world had to do with the violation of the Feminine in the world, and on this earth. And this has been one of the biggest wounds.
It has involved a lot of inner healing, without which I realized I wouldn’t be able to live my life.
Healing that proceeded many times in the silent support of close friends, and most times in complete loneliness.
When I call myself a witch, and identify as one, I’m not talking about fancy labels available to be adopted. But I do know about the wise, intuitive, sensitive beings who lived in connectedness with life and the earth, who became a dangerous problem for the rising patriarchy that wanted control and power over earth’s resources and its life forms, and resisted.
We’ve had them here in my part of the world. Dakini, Chandalini, Yakshi — many are the names and ways in which history has attempted to demonize them, and in popular culture and in the minds of humans, all of them today stand degraded, feared, taught to be distanced and ostracized.
I know about the various forms of abuse, torture, rape and violence that were employed as a tool to eradicate the Divine Feminine and dis-empower the Sacred Masculine.
I know of how this practice of conquering, fear-mongering, dividing and disconnecting, spread like an epidemic across the globe at a point in history.
I know how it wiped away ancient races or divided them, severed them from their source, their wisdom traditions and healing practices and beautiful beings of the earth, in the most heinous inhuman ways.
And I know it not from history, not from records and texts and books written by the perpetrators of the very system who engineered this wiping away.
And I don’t need to.
Because I know this from my own body, whose cells carry the memories of all the people who have come before me. The earth has a record of all events, and your body, a small but significant part of the landmass of the earth, can access these unwritten records when you start reconnecting with the earth and/or your own body.
And that is what happened when I tapped into my body, into the earth.
My body is my evidence, and I do not need anyone else to believe in it. I still will learn of its truths and find ways to heal, to repair, to learn to love again.
I know the turning of the wise into the demonic, the practice of punishing and shaming of the abused, that makes them voluntarily choose to swallow their truths into stony silences.
I know that there is no technological invention out there smart enough to measure the pain of a tortured body and a wounded soul.
My body and my soul are the evidences, and I do not need you to believe me for any of it to be true.
And you will and can never make them false because I carry the legacy of the Feminine in my blood. And no one, not even centuries of shaming and violating, can ever wipe that away.
And it is the memory of this, and the resultant emotions that it brings up — of rage, pain, fear — that I mean when I mention the Feminine rising.
And the flood of emotions that bursts through all the dams that society has built to silence the tortured is what gets destroyed when Kali arrives.
It is this silence, this numbing of pain, this swallowing of one’s power, this continued suppression of one’s own anger, that Kali destroys.
When I talk about Kali, it’s not an idol, an image, a painting that I’m talking about. It’s not a metaphor, not even an archetype, that I’m relating to.
It is about the primal raw energy, yours and mine, our sexual energy, our inbuilt creative power, our intuitive visions and knowledge, that I’m talking about. And if it has been affected for too long to the point of them making us dysfunctional, it is then that Kali arrives on the scene to dismantle it and liberate you from this inner numbing and sleeping over your gifts.
To break, destroy, tear down the masks, the facades, rip open those lies you tell yourself, the power you swallow in order to not make others uncomfortable, the pain you numb so as not to upset, the grief you hide so as not to disturb the peace, the voice that you swallow every day, so as to fit in and be accepted and be approved by the very system that lives on the torturous abuses and silences of the Feminine.
I call upon Kali as a cosmic force and as the energy that I know resides inside my own body,
I identify as a witch for I choose to own my gifts for healing and being sovereign.
I am protected. I am safe. For I am the alive force of the Feminine feeling through my breath and my blood. And I have learnt of this.
My response will not be a cowardly act of pompous show with manufactured weaponry.
It will be with my inherent power — silent, still, invisible, lurking, rooted, soft-pawed, and powerful like the pain, fear and rage I once swallowed, and then healed.
***
Tau Tara is a nature-lover and wild woman, slowly coming out of the closet as a healer/priestess/witch, all of whom she had had individual and highly personal experiences with over a period of three years, the intensity of which terrified her for the most part and destroyed her former life, but also healed her broken pasts, revived her spirit and led her right back to her Self. In the initial days, even though there was much resonance, she could make little sense of the things she saw and heard, and found out about, the characters of the priestess and the witch especially being completely alien to the culture she grew up around in India. But that lasted only until she encountered the long line of dark goddesses, dakinis, chandalinis, yoginis and devadasis of her land. That is when she was able to recognize the similarities and patterns. The series of synchronous events that led her to the path which she has chosen for this lifetime and where she now finds herself standing in. Having now been exposed to, or rather ‘recollecting’ her memories and consciousness about, the archetypes from both the East and the West, it dawned on her, despite the initial discomfort, that she had always been a wild woman and a lover, across cultures and over multiple lifetimes. With her extreme sensitivity and love for nature, animals and people, Tau identifies with the elemental spirit realm, and is currently engaged with finding ways to share and heal through inner journeys and explorations with sound and body movement, plant medicine, crystals and flower essences while working to encourage and promote the works of rural artisans and craftsmen from native and local communities in the mainstream market. You can see her slowly opening up to social media on Instagram, breathing in and out of Facebook, or struggling to brave her soul out on her blog.
***
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