archives, poetry

In My Innocence, I Trusted You. {poetry}

 

I trusted you.

You, in my innocence, you, in my heart, you, in my soul… you.

I gave you my light. I placed my light in your open hands and you grabbed hold of every ounce you could and suffocated it out of me until it dwindled down to ash within me.

I trusted you.

You, in my innocence, you, in my heart, you, in my soul… you.

I gave you my darkness. I placed my darkness in your open hands and you couldn’t handle it. Instead you threw it back at me and spat on my face demanding that you did not ask for this.

I trusted you.

You, in my innocence, you, in my heart, you, in my soul… you.

I healed, and I gave you my light again. I placed my light in your open hands, and again you grabbed hold of every ounce you could and suffocated it out of me until it dwindled down to ash within me.

I trusted you.

You, in my innocence, you, in my heart, you, in my soul… you.

I gave you my darkness. I placed my darkness again in your hands thinking you wouldn’t run this time. Thinking you could keep it safe… thinking you could hold that sacred. And you didn’t. Instead, you turned everything around on me and tried to make me think I was crazy.

I trusted you.

You, in my innocence, you, in my heart, you, in my soul… you.

Round and round we would go.

Me giving, me trusting,

you taking, you rejecting…

me apologizing, me trying again,

me repairing the damage “I caused.”

I trusted you…

Lover, friend, heart, soul…

Mom, Dad… I trusted you

You, in my innocence, you, in my heart, you, in my soul… you.

He reminds me of you.

He feels like a familiar kind of love… the kind of love that you taught me, remember? The kind of love where the light gets snuffed out of me in order for the other person to feel better about himself?

You know, the kind of love where I am rejected in my totality unless I am behaving and acting as preferred…

it feels like home.

It felt like home.

For a long time

I trusted you…

I trusted him…

And now

I have finally learned to trust myself.

I have learned to love myself in my totality. I have learned that not everyone deserves access to my energy. Not every man who gives the bare minimum deserves my light.

I have learned that shrinking to make someone more comfortable with me feels highly uncomfortable in my own body.

My body… the sacred place in which my light and dark reside simultaneously. 

I have learned that no matter how many times others have tried to bury my soul in the depths of their fears, I shine on anyway and even more brilliantly than before.

I have learned that I am a warrioress, and though my fires have been simmered down to mere embers, I rise like the phoenix from the ashes.

Born anew and full of life

Every time.

My soul still burns, but this time with more control.

I have learned that not everyone can handle the heat that I bring.

And most importantly I have learned that it only speaks about them.

I have learned that my love is pure.

It is courageous, and fierce and strong.

I have learned that I am safe to be seen in this world.

And I have learned to see me and love me… all of me.

And in the faint echo of my spirit’s cackling fire, I can feel the remnants of those old familiar words,

“I trust you. You in my heart, you in my soul… you.”

And no matter how I am showing up in those moments,

Light or dark,

I embrace and hold safe and sacred

All of the pieces I trusted others with for so long.

I now keep her safe…

For I am the pure love that radiates through this world

I am holy and sacred…

I am light and dark

I am me

And as it turns out…

I am worth loving.

***

Natalie Sophia considers herself a blend of many things, but mostly she identifies as a writer, intuitive guide, mama and yogini. She has a Masters Degree in Complementary and Alternative Medicine, and is working towards a second Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology. Her passion lies in helping others heal from various forms of trauma. Her current methods of practice include a person-centered approach with a focus on attachment theory and a blend of creative expression, movement alchemy, and energy work. She serves as a catalyst to facilitate a person’s natural and Source-given right to heal. To contact her directly, please visit her own little part of the internet on Facebook.

***

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