Sex Is Good, but Have You Tried Fucking the System?
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Okay, so I stole that headline. It came from a placard on the BLM marches, so I literally don’t know whom to credit for it, but I will be happy to do so once I know.
I thought it was so good, and frankly, so me that I couldn’t not refer to it.
And here’s why:
I am a sex witch. As such, my business is healing. And healing, my friends, is nothing, without… the everything.
Pleasure is healing
To be honest, I am guessing you might be sick of it all by now? I know I am. The murderous intent of the machine we live under. The human frailty as we search for fragments of connection and truth on the very digital platforms that seem fixed upon driving us into total annihilation and downfall.
Even the fact that you are there and I am here and there is no fire between us. Literal fire. There are no feasts to be eaten in commonality between our bellies. There are no eyes to connect with. No bodies to sense. No poetry shared under the breathless stars.
Instead, we are stuck in a spiral searching for what’s right. To anchor to something we can believe in as the whole fucking ship goes down, frankly.
Here’s my advice.
Anchor to your pleasure.
It is literally all you have.
And here’s why…
Once upon a time
Once upon a time, we knew who we were.
And I am afraid I have no double-blinded, peer-reviewed, first-class data to prove that point.
I just mean, we knew who we were. And that I know that because it’s in my bones to know it. It’s rooted and it lives in me. The living, breathing, cellular memory that at once upon a time we knew ourselves.
Because once upon a time, we knew pleasure as a way of life.
Polarity and power
But I’ll come back to pleasure. Let’s get to polarity first, because the two are connected.
Now, I know, as good feminists we all tend to take a certain position on the subject of power. And that normally involves advocating that we sit in a circle so that power is shared. Right?
Well, here’s the thing about power.
Power is a top-down thing. Or a bottom-up thing. There is literally a top and a bottom.
And there is nothing wrong with that fact.
You just need to remember what is holy about that.
You just need to learn to play to the situation so that it feels good.
The symbol of holy
Here’s what I mean, and in order to make my point I would like to bring your attention to the triangle.
{Photo credit: Julia Lally}
For me personally, the triangle takes on a particular significance. I don’t know if this is rooted in anything — no doubt some of you will start asking if I am maybe into Hermeticism, or the Illuminati, or whatever.
Nope.
The triangle is a useful symbol, and I am going to use to for my own purposes.
To be honest, I have seen Jordan Peterson talk about the triangle as justification for his politics, which are, of course, his to hold. My point is not to dismiss Jordan Peterson, but to identify that I could use the triangle as a symbol for pretty much anything. And people have too — there’s a great article here about the different uses of the triangle symbol through the ages.
But for the purposes of pleasure, I’m gonna use the triangle to represent this:
Life is a continual dance of polarity.
The ancient tantrics knew it, I believe the magicians have always known it. Science knows it. And frankly, anyone who regularly enjoys mind-blowing sex and happy relationships knows it too.
There is heat in the attraction of opposites. Opposites are literally magnetic. Which means that the opposite poles will almost merge, just like in the triangle. The two bottom points will eventually come together as one. Indeed, the closer they get to one another at the apex, the more unified they actually are.
This continual possibility and potential of merging is the exact same dance of the Universe that happens everywhere should we care to take a look. It’s an undeniable force. Perhaps it is the only force we can trust, because it’s indeed so inevitable?
Yin, yang, masculine, feminine, and all that shizzle
Yin, yang. Masculine, feminine. Dominant, submissive. The two foundational points of a triangle.
In human relationships, there is pretty much always a role being played. In every day we thrash around at the base point, we rarely get to the God point. The union. The unification at the top. Maybe with sex and/or drugs, but you know what I mean. The union point is not normal everyday human terrain.
So we thrash around in these opposing roles for most of our lives, but the trouble is, in most places, we play our roles badly. We come at them with ingrained centuries of inner shame and self-loathing. We play our roles to win or to lose. We rarely play to connect.
So what I teach as a sex witch — a fine purveyor of human pleasures — is that the really beautiful thing about power is that it is possible to learn tools to occupy these opposing poles for mutual benefit. More than benefit even, for feel-good, fun and turn on.
Anyone who has explored the erotic will know that playing with polarity will create enormous amounts of electricity. And electricity is power. You see where I am going with this?
But let’s stay grounded . ‘Cos I acknowledge this is heady stuff.
Let’s explore how we do these polar positions healthily then. Let’s look at how we play to win.
Surrender yin-tastic
If you had any idea how many women walk through my cyber doors literally desperate and ranting about the need to let go and start receiving! They are frazzled. They are dried up. And they are fucking desperate for change.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that as feminists we are reaching the inevitable peak whereby we know as women we can have it all. And frankly, we are ready to have a bit bloody less of it.
This is because the holy pole of surrender is starting to peep through again. She is starting to enter the arena. I mean, obviously she’s been here all along, silent and potent. But my point is that we are beginning to remember her. She wants to be reclaimed.
And you know when you have found her because this particular yin-saturated pole is steeped in her own legitimacy. She is literally fat and happy with her own inner sense of approval.
The devotional submission of this pole is so exquisite, so erotic, and frankly so wet with juice and lubricant, that women are rising with a wild ferocity to know this sense of surrender again in pretty significant numbers, at least if my practice is anything to go by.
When exalted like this, the pole of surrender is the belief that you can have it. The knowing that you are worthy of it, and that it is safe to receive it. And the conclusion that you don’t have to make an effort for it either. What’s not to love?
Dominant yang-tastic
On the other hand, do you know what I often see in my practice?
That women are often scared of doing harm. As a result, this type of woman often retreats into niceness, which is kind of understandable as the dominant state of attention tends to get a bad rap nowadays. Period. The masculine in our society is currently highly vilified.
But my point here is, what if we reclaimed this pole too? What if we entered the domain of the dominant as a place of honor? With reverence? Even more important, with responsibility?
Let’s explore what the exalted yang-activated looks like for a moment in relationship.
The exalted form of this pole understands its worth consciously, and is intent on being known by the other. It is pure power in the process of potentiating because it refuses to hide and shy away from resonance.
It wants you.
And it is going to have you.
And you better sure as hell turn up for that exchange because it’s pure molten gold. The top of the triangle.
It is important to remember then, as we examine the value of this foundational pole, that it is this dominant pole of relating that will actively get us where we want to go. Not only in life, but in relationship too. So what happens if we kill it off or, even worse, shame it into submission?
Here’s what happens:
Nothing gets activated, including your turn-on, including your pleasure. This is lame sex, ladies, and you know it.
This is in your own body
{Photo credit: Julia Lally}
By now I hope you have more of an understanding of how important the two opposing foundational poles of the triangle are in terms of the energetics of relating. Maybe you can sense them as natural expressions of our humanity, full of vitality and pleasure as they continually dance the dance of life itself through our very own bodies.
You can imagine their coming together in pleasure. Indeed, perhaps you have even had experiences where you felt this dance happening for yourself?
A powerful sexual experience, where your lover took the role of penetrator fully. Or perhaps you did. A situation in which you were humbled in conversation. Where you submitted to the other person’s truth, realizing that you hadn’t disappeared in the process, but that your ego had quietened, leaving you open to the simple becoming that is the state of love?
Because we all know these states. We have all had experiences like this — the power of being felt. The ecstasy of being deeply seen. The love in humility.
What I am trying to do in this article is name them.
And here’s why.
They got fucked up.
Big time.
And here’s how.
The inversion that is patriarchy
Caveat: The following illustration is not intended to be a representation of the victim triangle, which you can google if interested. I am simply using this metaphor here to focus on polarity.
{Photo credit: Julia Lally}
You know the thing about the underworld? The upside-down? Remember in Stranger Things how the upside-down was breaking into real life?
Well, consider this.
We live in the upside-down already. And it’s called patriarchy. Alas, the descent is happening in real time.
The inverted triangle represents a world where the pole of surrender becomes the role of victim. Where the holy activation of penetration becomes the role of the violator.
Let’s just chew the fat of that around our mouths for a little bit longer. I want you to take that slow.
Surrender becomes victim.
Penetrator becomes Perpetrator.
Let’s see how that plays out then, this reversal of the natural order.
Surrender becomes victim
Unfortunately, we are conditioned by trauma to fall into the inverted pole of victim on a fairly regular basis. It’s like a trap we get caught in, and we have understandably been trying to claw our way out of as feminists.
Therefore, if we do end up in the particular holy polarity of submission or surrender as women, we often experience it as a state of defeat and resentment.
Even worse, if our submission is rendered and felt badly, it will probably re-traumatize us further. You know that state where you go along with something and deny your own feeling of icky and it leads you into all sorts of trouble?
And even if we are not familiar with this terrain, we all know women who live in this state. There are millions of them. She complains that so and so did such and such. She listens and nods her head. She employs empathy even when she knows someone is literally taking the piss out of her sovereignty. She is a good girl through and through.
Conversely, she gets terrified easily. She freezes over and remains speechless when the whole goddamn Universe is willing her to speak instead.
These are all ways to do submission really, really badly.
As a result, many women find themselves completely unable to enjoy the fruits of the submissive position.
We forget our humility.
We eschew the holy role of devotion.
We tend to rage against our surrender.
We become, frankly, obnoxious in our activism.
Dominant becomes perpetrator
Of course, some play the dominant role unconsciously too.
There are also millions of people don’t care how they win. They just have to win. They are kind of naturally psychopathic and have no concept of the harm they do, even as they ram home how right they are. Weinstein, anyone? Trump?
Modern culture is full of people like this. Generally, the ones who get reported on are male. They are called out on an almost daily basis. And this would be great, in my opinion, if it didn’t just end with the call-out, but actually rehabilitated and presented an alternative to these deeply damaged people and paved the way to connection.
Plus, it’s not just a problem of the male gender either — I have known plenty of women like this too. Plenty of women who would not take no for an answer. Who could not rest until they had you energetically on your knees. You know a woman like that too? Scary-ass bitches. And not in a good way.
But my point is that we tend to be very aware of the harm that is caused by these types of unhealthy dominant types in our society. #MeToo has shed great light on this dynamic. It is perfectly right that we name people who operate like this as abusive.
Likewise, the continuing unfolding of activists calling Whiteness as a form of perpetration. These are critical things to see and undo.
Deep levels of inversion fuckery
What’s even more distressing about all the above, however, is that it appears to be just getting more and more intense.
It is like we are entering levels of inversion fuckery ne’er seen before. As we descend, these two inverted poles fight and jostle for position constantly. “No, I am the victim.” “No, I am the victim.” “No, you are the perpetrator.” “No, you are.”
Can you see how this relates to our current global mess? We barely know whom to believe anymore.
We live in a world where violent assholes can claim they’ve been victimized if they have the right lawyers. Where the actual victims are demonized or forgotten. Left out in the cold to be pissed on by the acid rain or the nearest fully-armed policeman. Murdered in the street and then stripped, even whilst dead, of their undeniable victimhood. Oh, Candace, Candace. What were you thinking?
Literally, we are all having a hard job knowing which side to choose in any of it. It is no longer good and evil. The battle is no longer between right-wing or left-wing. The only thing that seems to change about this whole damn victim/violator inverted triangle cycle is that the further we go into this mess, the faster the cycle gets. And it is currently operating at blinding speed.
This is how I save my sanity amidst all of it. By seeing and understanding the following:
That we are frankly being played in the most phenomenal way.
You see, none of what I am talking about is new.
I am writing from deep within a lineage is all.
I believe we must reclaim the holy poles of penetration and surrender from the dark places they are in right now. We must reclaim them back to the exalted state in which they naturally flourish. We must learn how to play again with opposites. We must learn how to be felt, how to make an impact, in a way that feels good to the other.
And we must learn how to receive, how to listen, in a way that feels holy, whole and doable to our nervous system.
There is a sweet spot. We must urgently feel for it.
We all are responsible in it.
There is something in us — trying to be remembered — that will help us through.
And that is the knowing that the revolution will be pleasurable.
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Julia Lally is a Pleasure Witch. A ferocious advocate for the power of your sensual self. A caller into being of your wild and deep. She helps women who are feeling stuck, or experiencing some kind of freeze around their sex, to open and deepen their capacity for pleasure so that they can reclaim their turn-on and rocket-fuel their lives. You could connect with her via her website.
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