Living In Hell After God Took One of Your Own Angels.
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By Sonya Matejko
It was a year ago you found yourself living in Hell, and for all I know, you may still reside there.
For a time, I moved in with you. I’m not entirely sure you noticed my presence in the darkness, but I did my best to keep out of the way.
I kept your quarters as clean as they could be amongst the smoke and the ashes. I kept food on the table without ever being asked. I ventured out into the world and completed tasks for you just so you wouldn’t have to.
We lived in Hell, but surprisingly I think you were mostly afraid of Heaven. You were afraid of what Heaven would take from you. You were angry with God for taking an angel of yours for his own.
I did what I could, and I hope you know that. I’m left with third degree burns across my skin, and my heart is burned with no luck for repair. I walked over fire for you and held your hand even as you pulled away.
I sat through the tears, I bit my tongue through the screams, and I ignored the growing distance from your heart to my own. I thought the moment that we left this wretched place, you’d see what I went through for you, and all would be well… or as well as it possibly could be after a return from Hell.
I let you throw fireballs of anger at me, and I took it. I let you dismiss me like you’d dismiss the pain, and I took it. I let you stop loving me, because there wasn’t room in your heart for it. I took it. I took what I could so you could breathe.
Sometimes I wonder if you realize I lived there too. I lived there voluntarily to stay by your side, no matter how ironically cold it felt in the smolder. Did you ever know the times you walked away I would cry for your pain silently in the bed? In a bed that I felt I no longer belonged in?
I cried for the agony I saw in your eyes, but I never let you see mine.
Then there were the drives. The drives when I would look up at the sky knowing that Heaven was there. There wasn’t a day that tears did not run for your loss. There wasn’t a day that tears didn’t run for what I thought would also be mine. And every day I kept this to myself.
I lived in Hell for you because I thought we would escape, we would live, and we would find our way to Heaven when the time was right. I cried for your Hell because I thought I was losing an angel, too.
You cried for the past, the present, and the future. I cried for the future I thought I would lose, because I thought it would have been with you. And therefore Heaven was taking something from me, too.
I do not know what torture you endured in the depths of our past home. I know I wanted to take the agony away from your heart. I wished I could save you, I wished I could save her. I wish, oh I wish that the past could be undone.
If I could wish a past where I never knew love with you but you never lost an angel — I’d take it.
If only you knew the things I did, would have done, still would do for you. It may not matter now, as our hearts have moved on, but I wanted to let you know that I did not forget. I did not forget the loss in the rocks of Hell.
Because for some reason Fate decided I should meet your angel right after meeting you. I got to know her, I got to admire her, I got to respect her, and I got to care for her. I knew she was far more than any other angel walking the earth.
I knew where your heart came from, and it was a place of pure perfection.
I’ll never know what it was like in your shoes as your argued with the devil. But you should know that I argued with him too. I lit every candle I could to rid the darkness, my knees have scars from how much I prayed, and I swear my faith had never been stronger.
I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I’m sorry for what happened then. I’m sorry for what is happening now. I hope you have found solace. I hope you look up into the stars and see her… Don’t forget that I named one for her, for you.
Heaven has had a year with the greatest angel they could gain, and maybe you can find some peace with that. I hope that one day you leave the darkness and you find the light again — I know she would want this for you.
Just know that I lived with your pain in my heart, because it was my own. Just know that you weren’t the only one on fire with remorse. Just know I would’ve burned forever for you if that were what it took to heal you.
Just know, I will never forget. I was lucky to know an angel in my life. I was lucky to stand beside you as you spoke of her. I was lucky to guide you in the grief, even for the short time you let me. I was lucky to see such love for such a wondrous soul.
May she rest peacefully, and may you find a peace of your own.
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