This Is a Dedication to My Creative Spirit.
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It had been two months since I had written an article, the first one being a personal manifesto to finally begin.
Starting is the hardest part, so they say, but I had started writing thousands of times. For me, the hardest part has always been continually dedicating time to the process.
Consistency has never been my strong point in regards to writing. But it is the key element, in anything we do. If you crave results, you must be consistent.
I want to cultivate that quality so I may victoriously step into my role as a creator.
I am a creator, after all. That is what my soul yearns for, and always has. I simply fooled myself into believing that I lacked the talent or spark to create, when in reality I just lacked the willingness to show up for myself and let creativity flow through me.
It’s difficult when you spend most of your life in a sort of survival mode to shift out of it when your circumstances no longer require that of you. We often become so used to doing things a certain way that we then create situations in our life so we can continue reliving those patterns because it’s all we have ever known. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable.
Even if it’s toxic.
It also serves as a huge distraction for us, so we don’t have to address any trauma we might have experienced and tucked away because we lacked the tools or time to deal with it when it occurred. One thing I noticed when my life started settling down and these huge weights I was carrying dissipated was that all of these seemingly random emotions came bubbling to the surface.
I would get hit with these intense waves of sorrow, or anger, or grief, and I couldn’t control my responses to them. For me, they manifested in emotional surges which turned into panic attacks and I felt completely out of control.
I really didn’t like being out of control. I spent my whole life maintaining control, even in the midst of complete chaos, and now suddenly, when things were relatively calm, I seemed to have lost it.
Then I spent a lot of time subconsciously creating environments that would make my intense emotions valid. This was a cycle that left me spent; I was completely out of touch with who I was and what I was doing. I became a shell of who I am and an emotional receptacle for others.
So much of my time and energy throughout my life was focused on surviving, or getting through intense emotional trauma so parts of myself that would get in the way of that were turned off.
I focused primarily on what I had to do to support myself and later someone else coming to the end of their life, and how to continue waking up every morning and going through the motions of life when everything I had known to be real was revealed as a facade.
After a whole lot of therapy to help learn how to process and cope with all of the trauma I had accumulated over the years, I realized that I didn’t know how to focus on myself or the things that I wanted and needed.
I was never able to explore my creative spirit, and actually became quite discouraged early on and convinced myself that “that just wasn’t for me.” It was a lie that I told myself, which prevented me from spending my time and effort exploring my creative nature.
So I am here now, begging myself to create and to give myself space and time to nurture that spirit that was locked away early on. My creative spirit has been inside of me, trying to claw its way out, and I have continued to shove her down the steps, lock the door and toss away the key. I am hopeful that this is the beginning of her freedom.
Coupled with this overwhelming need to create is this desire to share and to connect with others. Not only do I want to bleed, but I want to bleed for You, in front of You, raw, honest and open, and encourage you to bleed too, to let it all out, to let it go, to let it wash over you, to step into who You Are, totally and completely, unashamed and unafraid.
Because if I had to guess, there are many of you out there who have this desire inside of you, to be raw, to put yourself out there for others to see, to be heard and recognized, but somehow along the way you were fed this terrible lie that that kind of display was reserved for other people, not you, and because of this you’ve spent a lot of your life simply not exploring the things you want most for yourself.
Perhaps because you believe you don’t deserve it, or can’t bring it to fruition, or it’s just not you.
I’ve got news for you. If there is something in your soul that whispers to you, tugs at you, and maybe even sometimes screams at you to approach it , that is the most innate part of you, just waiting for you to fearlessly claim it. Okay, maybe not even fearlessly, it’s okay to be afraid, but don’t let it paralyze you and prevent you from seeking what you desire.
Denounce the lie that creativity isn’t for you, reject the lie that success is measured by a tangible output, refuse to adhere to any kind of timeline or blueprint that society has created and made you believe you have to follow. It’s a sham.
The truth will set you free, and the truth is that you can do anything you want to in this life. You just have to listen to your heart and dedicate yourself to the things that move you. And if you feel like there is nothing that moves you, create more space in your life so you can listen, so you can feel yourself.
I am in a place in life where I want nothing more than to dedicate myself to what moves me, and writing is one of those things. Writing and sharing. I yearn to connect and facilitate connection.
Life is sweet, but sharing in this experience with others makes it far more rich and full. Share in this experience with me.
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Jessica Stewart is a human whose deepest joys include conversation, exploration, and sharing meals with others. She can be found living life in Santa Cruz California with her wonderful boyfriend and two sweet cats, Cleo and Ghost. As an avid student of life, she is committed to seeking love and truth in all things, and hopes to inspire others to live their most raw and authentic life in spite of inevitable times of darkness that pervade our existence. She believes that self-love and human connection are two of the most undervalued qualities in our society, and wants to create a community deeply rooted in these principles. She would love to collaborate with anyone interested in creating.
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