I Breathe In, Until I Breathe You Out.
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I breathe in,
And I smell the scent of your skin as it hits my nose. I touch your hardened edges until they soften under my fingertips. I trace the outlines that dance upon your body, and I sink deeper into your embrace.
I breathe out,
The comfort of your body next to mine is like Xanax for my soul. In the cradle of your arm is where my sanity rests. Your chest is like the most comforting pillow I have ever rested my head upon, and your heartbeat a steady reminder that you have my back. Each thud of that loving muscle reminds me of my soul’s purpose.
I breathe in,
And I hear you talking with me. Sharing parts of you that perhaps you’ve never shared with another, offering each other our secrets and creating our own safe container. We only have but a few hours, but somehow time stops for us, almost as if the Universe conspires with us so that we may share just a little more love with a little more freedom.
I breathe out,
Because I know you mean it when you say you aren’t going anywhere. I trust you when you tell me you are here, and somehow I need no other promise except that word. It’s a relief to know that my flightiness and need for running is counterbalanced by your need to stay rooted. I rest in the understanding of our love.
I breathe in,
And now you’re telling me you don’t want my love anymore. I hold my breath this time because for some reason I think that is going to stop the pain I feel in my chest, but somehow it only deepens and worsens instead. I hold in the air for as long as possible until I am forced to exhale through the tears that are begging to be released.
I breathe out,…
… well, I try to anyway, only it comes out jagged and slightly off as my brain tries to make sense of what you have said to me. The tears won’t let up, and at some point I feel like I am drowning in this tidal wave of sadness. I google people dying of heartbreak and discover it is a real thing. And I wonder if the death of us is what will kill me. But…
… I breathe in,
And I put myself together as best as I can to show the world that your words don’t faze me. That I never really needed you anyway. That what we shared wasn’t that special to me. I try to mirror you as best as I can, and I think I do a pretty good job of it overall, but then the reminder of your absence hits me, and so…
… I breathe out,
Hard. Big, heavy exhale. And I am reminded with every passing minute that our love is but a memory. That it was never really there in the first place, and I try to figure out if I was really in love with you or just the idea of you. But then I feel your energy so strongly with mine and…
… I breathe in again.
And I sit down. The angels tell me to hang tight, that this too shall pass, and I want to run away because I don’t trust my roots enough to keep me grounded, but I am finding that they are there. Stronger than I imagined them to be, and so I sit, and I let the tears come again, and again and again…
… And I breathe you out.
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Natalie Sophia is a self-proclaimed writer, healer, yogini. Her mission in life is to heal and be healed. She loves to laugh, to feel and to write. She began her journey of awakening a few years ago, and though there are times she longs to go ‘back to sleep’, she knows she has work to do. Her work and her passion are one and the same, and she hopes to inspire others on their life path to attend to their deepest longings as a soul in a human body. Natalie feels that life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. She knows that pain can be inevitable, but there is always choice in the story created from that pain. Feel free to check out more from Natalie on Facebook or on her website.
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