Life’s Greatest Initiation: A Journey Through Cancer and Awakening
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They say we have several initiations in our life.
Well, actually I’m not sure if they say that and I’m not even quite sure who they are. However, judging from my 39 years of experience so far on Planet Earth, it does seem to be true. I can speak for myself that I have had several. The one I am going to write about today is the largest one I’ve been through yet: breast cancer.
1) The Soul Behind the Diagnosis
First I would like to say that I absolutely do not, and never will, identify with this dis-ease. It has become a part of my life story but it is not who I am. I am a free soul, lover of life, yogini, rebel, heart-led, insane person who has been trying to find her place in the world since birth. The fact that cancer made its way into this body is crazy.
But also, it is not so crazy. Cancer came to stop me in my tracks when I was spinning.
2) The Discovery: When Practice Becomes Prophet
At age 36, while I was spinning and living in Bali, living what I considered then to be my best life, I felt a lump. And I felt this lump in my favorite part of the day…early AM during my yoga practice. It’s so fitting, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. The practice that saved me… really, saved me. Each time I would go down in chaturanga I would feel this little lump in my armpit, like a little marble. It was at an early stage then.
If I only knew then what I know now. I was living in Bali, teaching and practicing yoga, the last thing I thought that foreigner in my body could be was cancer. So, I ignored it.
Until I couldn’t. My breast shape began to change. My partner could feel it. We both knew something was not right.
We went to see a doctor in Bali. The doctor said it was nothing, just a cyst… and that I should meditate more. Well, he was right about one thing.
This eased my mind but my soul and my gut knew something was wrong. Even still, I didn’t want to face it. I had just met the love of my life. I was in such a good place. I couldn’t imagine such a darkness. So, I went on with my life.
3) When the Universe Sends a Wake-Up Call
Fast forward a couple months, this lump isn’t going away, and it’s growing. Just as I was beginning to face that this is very possibly something dangerous, I receive a phone call from my mother, telling me she just got diagnosed with breast cancer. And that was my wake up call.
It all happened so fast. I was saying goodbye to the love I had only just met six months prior, I was on a plane, then back in California, where I had not been in two years due to the pandemic. And on the day of my mother’s first chemotherapy treatment, I received the phone call from my doctor that changed my life forever: “Helene, its cancer.”
4) A Mother-Daughter Warriors’ Tale
Mother and daughter bonding went to a whole new level. Once again, it all happened so fast. Before I knew it, I’m sitting next to my mother in the chemo chair, both of us bald, but with such a fire in our eyes. I got to see her true strength during this time, and I was wildly impressed. I never knew my mother was such a warrior.
All this time I thought I had got my strength from my father, but I realized that I got it from her.
5) The Integration of Modern Medicine and Ancient Wisdom
I went through the entire medical treatment process of chemotherapy, bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, and radiation. It was at once the darkest period of my life and the most transformative. I used an integrated approach to my healing and while undergoing chemotherapy I incorporated fasting, enemas, IV therapies, and other alternative medicines that helped to build up my immune system.
This helped greatly in my body’s ability to bounce back from each chemo infusion and I fortunately experienced minimal side effects!
I managed to continue to live my life while undergoing the harsh and brutal treatments, with my spirit staying high and never broken. My spiritual practice took a front seat, I practiced meditation, prayer and visualization daily. It was through this devotion that I was able to get through it, sharing my journey on social media with people praising me for my strength and grace.
It’s not that I didn’t feel absolutely broken at times, I did. But through my core belief in a higher power and my absolute faith in my body to heal, I remained steadfast in the journey and with my head held up high.
6) When Light Breaks Through the Darkness
After completing all medical treatment, I was cleared, one year later. I thought it was over. But it had only just begun.
I flew back to Bali to be reunited with my partner, whom I had been separated from for the entirety of the journey, since due to US visa complications, he was unable to come visit me. Upon landing in Bali, he proposed to me, on Valentine’s Day. How quickly life can turn from such darkness to such light!
7) The Delayed Dance with Grief
In the six months that followed, I started to experience the grief. It was a roller-coaster of emotions. Suddenly it all hit me, what had just happened, that I had lost my breasts, that life will never be the same again. I felt different in my body. It affected my relationship too.
I finally broke. During the treatment process, I was solely focused on getting the cancer out of my body. I didn’t have time for anything else. As my focus was on fighting, and surviving, I didn’t have much time to grieve. It was only after it was all over that it all hit me.
8) The Truth About Healing’s Timeline
I quickly realized this journey is far from over. The aftermath of active treatment is perhaps the most challenging part of a cancer journey. The body has changed, and nothing feels the same anymore. And this is exactly the point — nothing ever will be the same again. This is the part cancer patients must accept, for full and lifetime healing to occur.
Disease has come to wake us up somehow, to ask us to go within, to have a conversation between the unconscious and conscious parts of ourselves. As for why this disease arrived, apart from perhaps genetics or environmental factors, there is a deeper reason as well, and this is where one’s spiritual quest becomes vital.
A Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor once told me that the biggest mistake cancer patients make is thinking they can get right back on with their regular lives. How true this statement turned out to be!
9) The Return of the Shadow
I went back to prior indulgences in food, emotions and mental patterns. I didn’t really allow myself to fully process, to listen to cancer’s call to make drastic shifts in my life and way of being.
When I returned to California six months later for my medical checkups, the scan showed a shocking and terrifyingly different story.
The cancer had spread into my lungs and liver. I had now, at 38, become a Stage IV cancer patient, and officially diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, the deadliest type of breast cancer there is.
10) Finding Strength in the Storm
I was devastated. But it hit me differently this time. I wasn’t as shocked because, well, I knew this was a possibility. Did I think it would happen? No, of course not. But I knew it was a possibility. And I had learned a lot about cancer at this point. So while I was absolutely gutted, I wasn’t in as much fear.
I still remember though, getting that liver biopsy. That was absolutely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was awake, under blinding lights, in the hospital, while they poked my poor little liver to get a sample of the tumor to have it checked, to confirm that this was indeed the breast cancer that spread, and not a new, mutated cancer, which would have been an even worse scenario than what it already was.
Luckily, God spared me on that one. It was confirmed to be the breast cancer that spread — the same beast, the same estrogen-positive, HER2- (if you don’t know these terms, I hope you never do) animal. So, okay, it’s time to go back in and finish the job was my mentality.
11) The Deeper Understanding
I also had a sense for why it had happened. It was painfully obvious to me, when I thought back to the way I was living the last six months. There was major stress about finances, having emptied out my entire life savings to cover the many out-of-pocket cancer treatment expenses, home instability, and confusion in my career.
But most importantly, I realized that there was still a lot of hurt, pain, anger, trauma from my past that I was still holding on to. Things that now needed to leave my innermost being. It was now life or death.
12) Turning East for Ancient Wisdom
After the devastating news of metastasis, something deep within me shifted. While western medicine had its place in my journey, my soul was calling for something different this time. My years of yoga practice and spiritual seeking had taught me to trust in ancient wisdom, and now, more than ever, that trust was guiding my path.
I had always held a deep reverence for Indian sciences and holistic wellness — not just as practices, but as complete systems of healing that address body, mind, and spirit as one. When I heard about a healing center from my yoga teachers, it felt like the Universe was opening a door.
This wasn’t just about trying a different treatment approach, it was about returning to the source of the wisdom that had shaped my life as a yogini.
13) Sacred Healing in India
In India, I discovered that healing isn’t just about what happens to the body, it’s about creating sacred space for transformation. Each morning at 5 am, I would rise before the sun to participate in Agnihotra, an ancient Vedic fire ceremony. There was something profoundly powerful about beginning each day this way, chanting mantras as the flames danced in the early morning light.
This wasn’t just ritual, it was medicine for my soul.
While my body received the ancient treatments of Ayurveda, my spirit was being tended to just as deeply. I worked with a remarkable healer duo couple who helped me navigate the emotional landscape of my healing. Together, we delved into the depths of my traumas and negative emotions, clearing years of accumulated pain and unconscious patterns.
This emotional and spiritual cleansing worked in perfect harmony with the physical treatments — as my body detoxified, my heart and spirit were also releasing their burdens.
The healing extended far beyond the formal treatments. Every meal was prepared with such intentional love, the freshest ingredients becoming vessels of nourishment and care. But perhaps the most unexpected medicine came from the community that formed around me — the fellow guests and practitioners who held space for my healing journey.
Their love and support became as vital as any treatment.
Yet the most powerful medicine of all was something I hadn’t allowed myself in years: complete rest. For four weeks, I had permission to simply be. No stress about finances, no worrying about others, no pushing through. Just pure, uninterrupted space to receive. In this cocoon of care, my body remembered how to heal.
When I returned to California, the scans told a story that even my doctors couldn’t quite believe. The cancer in my liver was completely gone. The tumors in my lungs had virtually disappeared, with just one shrinking spot remaining. But numbers and medical reports couldn’t capture what I felt in my heart: I had won. I had won life itself.
14) The Lesson Repeats Until Learned
After receiving the miraculous scan results, I did what so many of us do — I tried to rush back into normal life. I returned to Bali, attempting to pick up the threads of my life there, believing I was ready to resume my old rhythms and responsibilities. The victory of healing had filled me with such hope, such certainty that I could now move forward.
But the same instability that had contributed to my illness was still there, waiting.
Ever the seeker, I even ventured to Kenya, drawn by an exciting new opportunity with a spiritual practice I deeply believed in. I had visions of a bright new start, of taking all I had learned and creating something fresh. The horizon seemed full of possibility.
But the body knows. The body always knows.
When I returned to the States for another scan, the results told a story I had desperately hoped not to read again — the cancer had returned, once again choosing my liver and lungs as its dwelling place.
At first, I felt defeated. After all the healing, all the work, all the transformation in India, how could I be back here again? But beneath that initial wave of devastation came a deeper knowing, a clarity that felt both terrifying and true:
It was time to stay.
15) The Integration of All Parts
Finally, I understood. True healing isn’t about choosing one path over another, or sacrificing any part of myself to fit someone else’s idea of wellness. It’s about integration — bringing together the wisdom of East and West, ancient and modern, spirit and science. It’s about honoring all parts of my journey and, most importantly, all parts of myself.
Gone are the days of trying to be everyone’s hero, of pushing through discomfort to meet others’ expectations. I’ve learned to draw clear, firm boundaries — not as walls, but as sacred markers of self-respect. When something doesn’t feel right, I speak up. When someone crosses a line, I let them know. The energy I once spent worrying about others’ opinions is now invested in my own wellbeing.
Rest is no longer a luxury I have to earn or apologize for, it’s a fundamental part of my healing practice. I give myself permission to take space, to say no, to prioritize my needs without explanation or guilt. This isn’t selfishness; it’s survival. It’s wisdom.
16) The Dark and the Light
I am not going to lie, cancer took a lot away from me. While I have always tried to remain positive on this journey, I am now feeling the darkness. My entire life has been shattered and turned upside down. I have lost so much. That’s the truth.
Nothing will ever be the same. I can’t ever go back to the way it was pre-cancer. While sure, there are a lot of qualities I’m glad to let go of from that time, I’d be lying if I said there aren’t things I don’t miss — like not having to have my blood checked every month, or not needing a scan to see if I’m dying every three months.
Stage IV is a lifetime commitment, it’s not over even when it’s over. It continues, and my body talks to me. This journey has been really challenging. I have never been more faced with my own mortality. I actually have no clue what will happen.
Yet in this space of profound uncertainty, one truth remains unshakeable: I cannot, and will not, go against my heart. Ever. No one knows my body better than I do. And no one knows your body better than you do.
There are a million protocols out there to follow and they all can work, but how do you know what will work for you? Only through your own connection to God. To yourself.
17) The Dance of Shadow and Grace
In this journey, I’ve learned that healing isn’t just about the light. It’s about embracing both the darkness and the light, the losses and the gains, the endings and the beginnings. It’s about holding space for grief while remaining open to grace.
In spite of everything — the losses, the uncertainty, the lifetime commitment to monitoring and managing this disease — I am continually blessed with miracle after miracle. Blessings all around. And I know this is because of how much I have also given.
18) The Heart of Truth
Our true nature is joy. Underneath the layers, the pain, the traumas and the stories… remains only bliss.
Through all the darkness of this journey — the diagnoses, the treatments, the losses, the uncertainty of Stage IV cancer — this is what I have discovered: joy isn’t just an emotion, it’s our essence. It’s not something we need to create or find or earn. It’s what remains when we peel away all the layers that cover it.
That’s what I have touched in my spiritual journey and that’s what I continue to touch every day. I’ve already found it within myself. The rest is easy. As long as we’ve got our mind as our ally and not our enemy, we are winning in life.
This journey — this initiation — has stripped away everything that wasn’t essential. It has brought me face to face with my own mortality, challenged every belief I held, and forced me to rebuild my life from the ground up. But in doing so, it has also led me to this profound truth: beneath all the pain and fear and loss, there is a light that cannot be dimmed.
A joy that cannot be taken. A peace that surpasses all understanding.
Cancer may have entered my body, but it has never touched my essence. In fact, it has been the very thing that helped me rediscover who I truly am — not the roles I play, not the image I project, not even the body I inhabit, but the pure consciousness that witnesses it all. The bliss that underlies all experience.
This is the gift hidden within the challenge, the light within the darkness, the teaching within the trial. When we make peace with our mind, when we align with our deepest truth, when we remember our essential nature… that’s when we truly begin to live.
And that’s when we realize: we were never just fighting cancer. We were awakening to the fullness of who we are, with all its imperfections and beautiful mess.
Life presents an endless series of battles; as we overcome one, another emerges. Yet we can preserve the beauty in our hearts, continuing to reflect the natural wonder of this world, no matter the circumstances. We become an inspiration to others, even while struggling in the depths. Like the lotus that blooms, dies, and blooms again, we persist through life’s eternal cycle.
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Helene Sandi is a transformative yoga teacher, spiritual guide, and holistic wellness mentor whose path has been shaped by profound life experiences. Born in Washington, D.C., her journey led her across the globe in search of ‘home’ until she discovered the deepest truth: home resides within. At 39, she channels her extensive life wisdom into helping others, particularly women, find peace and power in their own bodies. Following her breast cancer diagnosis, she expanded her mission to support cancer patients, sharing the holistic techniques that enabled her to thrive during treatment. Through her work, she combines spiritual guidance with practical wellness tools, embodying the philosophy that life’s challenges can become catalysts for profound personal growth and healing. You can follow her journey on Instagram.
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