The Demise Of The Black Widow: Disarming Your Heart’s Defenses.
{Marlene Dietrich – “Devil is a woman.”}
Hiding your heart, your flaws, and shortcomings is the easy way out.
It may not seem that way when you and your lover come to blows and the collateral damage is the implosion of your world as you know it. You each blew your wad, exposed your villainous intention of being right or more powerful than the other, hurled judgments, and bickered all in the name of making the other see your point that 20 years from now will hopefully be a point of humor.
Your heart has a tip-top defense line with the most destructive soul artillery pointing at your lover’s weaknesses. You are afraid to fight fair because fighting fair would mean you are vulnerable and that is not good in the art of war.
It is time to take it all off. Peel away each and every layer until you stun your partner with the beauty of your inmost self.
Letting a person love you for your personal super powers is a very easy, ego building task, but it is like falling in love with a picture on the wall or a character in your favorite movie. That snapshot of you is a two dimensional specter of your actual causal self, compiled from years of study about what you perceive a partner finds valuable and easy to love with the help of external messages out of touch with your idiosyncratic swagger.
The gravity of love abounds when your emotional orbit is in alignment with the dark side of your moon. The fears of love are in the mascara stained, hand ringing, brick walled stoicism, and defense mechanisms acting as starlit pathways to a common goal: deeper commitment and even better eruptions of sexual, emotional, and other forms of mutual fulfillment.
Sometimes the difficulty is not in loving someone with shortcomings so brazenly exposed, it is being loved for your own. Being loved while being unlovable is one of the most painful gifts and humbling realities one could ever face. You may ellipse around and around your fallibilities, bad habits and hidden secrets and think “No one would ever love that,” as you keep clandestine the greatest aspect of your uniqueness.
Letting yourself release the guise of perfection is one of the truest life rewards, most beneficial acts of deliciously dizzying self-love that you will ever experience. It makes the lie that a person has to be perfect or well-liked in order to be fully loved far less palatable than it once was. Your realization that you are much more than an encapsulated wooden partner was just what you needed to become a real live lover.
Welcome to the moment of illumination. You are far grander than you realized. You now see what your partner saw in you the moment your eyes met.
Getting past the gatekeeper of your soul while attached in a relationship is the difficulty that is also an opportunity that will eventually hone your communication skills from grating dissonance to sublime harmony.
Defenses do the worst damage because they never have your best interests in mind but make you think they do. They sneak into past moments of heartbreak and impregnate themselves in scar tissue, only to be born as monsters under your bed, breathing down your neck when you feel the most secure.
Give your scars attention and love. They require your appreciation and are the most beautiful aspects of your universal human experience. Be warned, if your scar tissue thinks for one moment it will be forgotten in the birth of a shared universe, it will ravenously feed on words spoken in jest by your partner while you become the fool in misunderstanding benign communication.
Scar tissue will delight in using your body and mind, creating defenses and making you its mouthpiece to create a war weapon of epic proportions. It will make you shape-shift into a black widow, and you will toxify anyone who tries to get close to touching what you have ignored all the while turning you into an impostor of love.
Kill the black widow.
Defenses are by-product pollutants that permeate the air with contention between you and your partner and are paradoxically the poisons that make you feel safe. When can one peel away the layers and expose the frighteningly fragile, fucked-up, ethereal unique beauty that is as volatile as an exploding sun, but as constant as time itself?
Love is establishing a relationship with yourself, anchoring to, connecting with and appreciating your personal continuum, and expanding your sense of internal awareness. This is the space where love is defined, on your terms, in all of its full-encompassing glory. This is the heat core of wholeness.
It is the greatest ally against ghosts of your past that usurp your joy and wear your lover’s skin like a costume. It is present in the dimly lit future, the uncertainty, and unexpected tragedies even if you can’t feel it. It is the freezing cold exposure of your absolute worst, self-celebrated with the warming torches of honesty, commitment, and the courage to still embark on the processional of the unknown.
To experience one more day with the one you adore, is perfection itself.
Drop your weapons. Make love not war.
*****
Anjana Love Dixon is a Spiritual Thought Leader, Interfaith Minister, Psychologist, and holds a doctorate in divinity. In 2012 Anjana launched The Anjana Network, the home base of her wisdom writings. It is from this place that she delivers deeply personal reflections of her journey to wholeness, inspires change, and provokes thought. Through sharing influential insights through interviews, articles, and her unique connection to the world, Anjana has become an internationally renowned wisdom writer and cited spiritual thought leader with contributions to major online publications including Rebelle Society, Elephant Journal, Match.com, and HuffPost Live. Anjana is a member of The Beautiful Writer’s Group with Danielle LaPorte and Linda Sivertsen and is currently preparing for the launch of her second book, Start in The Dark: Soul Work for Opening the Heart and Creating a (Real) Life.
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