you & me

Who Are You Giving Your Love To?

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There I was.

Pulled over to the side of the road, tears stinging the back of my eyes.

I’d drive if my hands weren’t shaking so badly.

I’d leave if I knew staying was going to hurt so much.

My heart was beating out of my chest, but not in the good way.

It made its way up to my throat, and escaped through the silent cries pouring from my mouth.

I couldn’t even speak.

I was broken, and I was trying to convince myself that he could still save me.

We’ve all been there.

The moment in time where you realize that it’s called a heartbreak because something is truly broken.

Everything is broken.

I remember reaching out to one of my friends, almost hoping she would tell me to go back for more.

“The love of your life should be your heart’s resting place. Someone who makes you feel calm and brings peace to your heart no matter what storms you may encounter. If someone is creating storms in your life, they do not deserve your love. Period.”

Simple as that.

I’d like to tell you that a switch in my brain flipped instantly in that moment and my whole world stopped hurting, but that just wouldn’t be true.

Everything still hurt, but my path suddenly became a whole lot clearer.

I don’t know what it was about what my friend told me that day, but it sunk deep into my skin and started pouring through my bloodstream. It jump-started my heart and forced air into my lungs.

In that moment, I came to the realization that

life is hard,

And love should be easy.

The months that followed resulted in a lot of soul-searching. A lot of lists of the things I want and don’t want

(not only in a partner, but even just by myself.)

Things that make my world go round, and things that make me feel as though the ground was ripped out from beneath my feet.

The things that make me tick and the things that make me crazy.

The difference between good crazy and bad crazy (and, boy, is there ever a difference!)

Somewhere in those months, I not only found myself, but I found out exactly who I was looking for, as well.

I can’t tell you anything about his face, but I can tell you what lies behind his eyes.

I can’t tell you about his body, but I can tell you about his heart.

I can’t tell you about his good looks, but I can tell you about his good works,

something that matters a whole lot more when the good looks fade away.

I can’t tell you his name, but I know that one day it will be my own.

I can tell you that I’m positive when I find him, I’ll know.

And so will he.

No more justifying, no more second chances, no more tear-stained pillowcases and puffy-eyed excuses. No more journal scribbles, sad midnight lyrics, no more wasted breath.

Life is really hard sometimes.

It pushes and pulls and sends you to your knees.

Save yourself for the person who gets down on the ground and prays with you.

Moments of confusion will cause you to forget the lyrics to the song your heart sings,

wait for the one who will tickle your back and hum them to you as you slowly drift off to sleep.

Save yourself for the voice on the other end of the line that makes you feel at peace no matter how terrible your day is going,

rather than staring at the phone waiting for the call from the person who made your day terrible.

Wait for the person who makes you laugh through your tears,

smile at your fears,

and lights up your whole world no matter what kind of darkness you’re facing.

Find the person whose light matches your own,

two single lights becoming one,

a beacon of hope for wandering travelers who may have lost their way.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the games and passion and toxicity.

It’s easy to justify the bad, embellish the good, and hang on a little too tight in fear of being alone.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re okay.

You’re okay on your own and you’re strong; you’re a mess but it’s beautiful.

You’re beautiful.

Wait for the person who sees right through you to your soul, and doesn’t shield his eyes or turn away from the light.

The person who makes the hard days easier and the easy days better than you ever knew possible.

The person who makes reality better than your dreams, and brings out all of your favorite qualities you possess.

And once you find that, give it all you’ve got.

Everyone tells you to be so cautious when you love.

I say, don’t  be cautious with how you love, be cautious with whom you love.

Love the person who tells you to bring yourself forth exactly as you are.

The person who believes in your words without reading them,

sings your song without ever hearing the melody,

the person who knows your story without turning the page.

Love the person who accepts you without hesitation, comforts you without abandon, and wishes the best for you without expecting anything in return.

Love them entirely.

Climb inside and get to know the feeling.

Call it home without making plans to ever leave.

Create a home together,

Built on dreams and hopes, plans and love,

Most importantly, love.

Kiss each other goodnight,

Choose each other each morning,

And hold hands on long car rides.

You never know who might be pulled over on the side of the road,

Tears stinging the back of their eyes,

Looking for a spotlight shining to serve as a beacon of hope —

Someone like me.

***

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Macaile Hutt

Macaile Hutt

Macaile Hutt believes the best perfume is Idaho mountain air, the deepest laugh often comes from the mouth of a child, and coffee is the answer no matter the question. She has had to learn the hard way that some words ache until they are said. Find your voice and let it be heard. Macaile would like you to join her on Facebook or her website, as you take your own heart and live this beautiful life in search of perfect moments in such a way that every moment becomes perfect.
Macaile Hutt
Macaile Hutt