Siren Song of The Heart: How Your True Self can Ruin & Reclaim Your Life.
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By Whitney O. Wilson
There is a light inside everyone.
A light that, by the time we are a young adult, is grossly hidden by our own attempts to fit in. We still feel it, but usually cannot see or understand it anymore. It is stuffed down too deeply.
The world tells us to ignore it and get productive. Find a place in this society and then start filling your life with stuff. Ignore your light — it is too inconvenient to pursue, plus the odds are against you.
The world told me that in order to be successful and happy, I had to make myself fit into an existing role. Be quiet, be calm, be conventional.
Find a guy and let him shine brighter than you, find a career that guarantees job security and a great income, buy things to display your success, have children, and then slowly give up on yourself, so that you can dedicate your life to them.
Whatever you do, don’t try to shine your light.
But my light is a fiery bastard. With every attempt to contain and diminish it, it puts up a brutal fight and finds cracks to shine though.
It was a siren song, playing in my heart, as I tried to make myself conform. Each time I thought I was in control of it, it would take control of me.
***
In my final semesters of pursuing a Chemical Engineering degree, I began to mentally break down.
I had become so out of touch with my light that I lost who I was.
Frustrated and confused, I blamed the only thing I felt I could control: myself. I used shame to make myself feel bad for my actions, or lack thereof. I believed that if I felt bad enough, I would step up.
I developed severe depression and anxiety, as well as a dependency on substances. This lasted almost three years, all while still attempting to go back to school and fix my failures, but never making any real progress.
I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t do it. I was weak, undisciplined and worthless.
I had been told my whole life that I was special — mostly because I was smart, determined and outgoing, and yet now I had failed out of school, couldn’t make it a day without drugs and avoided interacting with others at all costs.
My mental dialogue was so mean, negative and hurtful, that it ripped my self-worth to shreds.
My light knew that I had been very close to starting a life that jeopardized its existence. It had tried to stop me, wake me up and show what it had to offer, but I was desperate to conform, and resisted.
Now that I had exhausted all my conventional options, I started to wonder about the options my light offered. What was it trying to say? What did it want me to do?
So I started to let it shine a little, if only so that I could examine it better and see if there was anything of value in there.
Almost immediately, I felt its immense power. Just the smallest connection to that part of myself, filled my body and mind with energy, enthusiasm, inspiration, passion, love, beauty, creativity, and endless possibilities. It didn’t make sense, but it was familiar.
I remembered feeling this way as a child, and always believed it was some suppressed magical abilities that was just waiting to surface.
I started to believe at my core that I was meant for something. My life had a purpose and I needed to figure out what it was.
I intuitively felt that this light was my home, but it scared me. Its potential intimidated me.
***
My light is my true Self. It is made up of my highest values. When I am living these values, I am in a state of bliss. When I am not, I am in a state of turmoil.
When I embody and live these traits, my light can shine with wild abandon. When it does, I am allowing myself the freedom to be who I really am.
In this state, there is unlimited potential for what I can accomplish.
This is where I am now — committed to my light. The world will tell me that I am unworthy because I am unconventional, but I am addicted to feeling at home in myself.
It lets me access my powerful intuition and see everything as interconnected and limitless.
This is my source and yours too. We must work to uncover our own light and bask in the joy of being our true selves.
I know that the pain I felt when I hated myself was as real as any physical injury could cause.
There are so many people stuck in that cycle of trying make themselves be something they’re not, and then berating themselves with shame at their inability to succeed.
The best way to influence change in others is to lead by example. If I let my light shine as bright as it can, I will give others the courage to do the same.
*****
Whitney O. Wilson is an idealistic, yoga brat from Maine. She is a lost soul following the beacon of her wild heart.
#LetItShine
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