How Can I Be A Mom, A Wife & Me?
{Rebelle Society’s Weekly Advice Column: Dear Muse}
What about wanting to break free… while being a mom and a wife? I work hard for balance… but what about me?
Thanks,
An inquisitive human being
Dear Inquisitive Human Being,
Thank you for your question. Thank you for being open and vulnerable and asking something that so many of us struggle with: what is a balanced life and where do I fit in?
You’re not alone.
Through our choices, or sometimes not, we wear many hats in our lives: mother, father, friend, parent, child, employee, student, teacher, lover, sibling.
In all of that, what about the hat that is just Self?
Some people will say this is a selfish question. They don’t understand that to best take care of the people in our lives, of everyone we come in to contact with, we must first take care of ourselves. We cannot draw from wells that are empty, and we cannot offer love and abundance when we cultivate none.
Making a stand for your Self is the bravest and most selfless thing you can do.
By wanting to break free, I’m going to assume you don’t mean wanting to leave your current life. If that’s the case, then I suggest sitting down with your partner and support network and being honest and transparent in your feelings.
Do that anyway.
If by wanting to break free, you mean break out of the patterns that have made life so un-balanced and break into being your Self and mother and wife and the dozen or so other hats you wear, then, well, welcome to the jungle.
I don’t believe that balance exists. How can it? For me, how much time do I give my work, my writing, my Yoga, my husband, my friends, my family, my neighbors, my Self?
It’s never even. It’s never balanced.
Something’s always gotta give, Inquisitive. There are a finite number of hours in each day, and some days you may not get to do everything on your list. That’s okay, even if it feels crappy.
I encourage you to sit down and think about your priorities. They’re different for each of us, and each of us feels the stress and pressure of our priorities in different ways from different things. We all approach our lives with different beliefs and philosophies as to how things should be.
What are yours?
We know that you are a dedicated wife and mother — those are two clear priorities. What do your days look like, in terms of allotting time for each of your roles, concerns, wants, and needs?
Do you ever make time for yourself?
(You need to.)
This loss of time and loss of a feeling of Self doesn’t come from one big decision, where one day we say, “That’s it, I am now only wife/mother/worker.”
It’s a series of small events and decisions, tiny compromises on our souls and our lives, where one day we look back and ask, “Where and why did I stop eating breakfast? When was the last time I made love to my partner? When did I last have an hour all to myself, to do whatever I wanted?”
These small concessions add up along the way, and they become our lives.
It’s never too late to take back control of yours.
What do you want your life to look like? What if you could make a choice, right here and now, about the kind of life you are going to have moving forward?
You can. Decide right now what is important in this life. And every time you begin to doubt yourself, return to this: life is too short to lose the one thing that you’ll always have.
And that is You.
Wonderful, unique, completely worthy and wholly magical You.
The you that makes you a better wife. The you that makes you a wonderful mother. The you that so desperately seeks release, back into yourself.
So. What is on your plate right now? How are you spending your days? Make a list and schedule of all the things that you’re regularly doing.
Make a list of the things you feel — truly feel — that you need to be a happier you.
Where can you fit those things into the schedule?
Some things will need to shift. But You are a priority.
You are a priority in your life.
Schedule time for yourself. Stick to it. Don’t feel that it’s something you can push aside because it’s just you or not important. You are important. Your well-being is imperative.
Make dates and schedule time with others. Yes, you are always wife, but maybe it wouldn’t feel spread as thin if you had one night every week or two that was just for your marriage. A time when you could focus on being wife, lover, friend, companion… and your spouse could as well. It may bring you closer.
You may find that your partner also struggles with feelings of balance. You may find they have sound advice. Or maybe, this is an opportunity for growth, for both of you. Make plans with friends and relatives — but keep the boundaries clear. There is your time together, and now, there is your time for you.
On that note, there are many support groups, websites, and books that are available for mothers that are feeling this kind of dissonance. Connect with them, online and in real life. Make them your people. They will help you find the way on this new path, and they will be there for you when you begin to doubt it.
Inquisitive, no one has this perfectly figured out (if anyone does, please write to us and share your magic). We’re constantly tweaking our priorities as some things become more important than others. It’s just how life works.
One day, passing Algebra was the biggest worry in life. Once, it was graduating. Or having a healthy pregnancy. One day, your child(ren) won’t be as big of a priority. They’ll be grown, and won’t require your constant care. What will fill the space then? Another priority. One that you deem worthy. One that you make time and space for.
Inquisitive, time is precious and so are you. What are your priorities? What does balance look like for you?
You have the power to create the life you want, the life you want to break into. It won’t be easy, and it probably won’t be balanced. But it will include you. And there is always time. I repeat: always time for you.
With love,
Kristin Diversi, Assistant Editor-In-Chief
***
Hey Restless Creator, do you sometimes feel like life is lonesome, confusing or downright too much?
Rebelle Society’s weekly advice column, Dear Muse, is a space to send your questions, thoughts, and wonderings about this beautiful dark journey we’re on, no matter how deep, strange, or scary they may seem. In return we’ll offer you radical empathy, mischievous nourishment and creative advice.
Through reaching out and sharing our experiences, we shatter a stunting silence and create a space for growth. And by doing so, we may save ourselves, but we also may save each other.
Imagine, what if the whole world broke free and began to sing?
Submit your questions to: dearmuse@rebellesociety.com.
Read more here.
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