How To Cultivate A Culture That Respects The Power Of ‘No’.
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Internally it has been a painful and exquisite exploration as I have detailed in part here. Externally, in sexual and cultural interactions, it has been nothing short of traumatic, depressing and chaotic.
One of the longest running battles was learning to say No to the masculine in sexual pursuit of the feminine with clarity, respect and compassion. There were many times I was at risk from dysfunctional masculine fear of rejection that expresses itself aggressively as it intimidates, coerces and dismisses my boundaries.
Fear of these situations led me to become dysfunctional in how I interacted with the masculine, especially cisgender men. After more negative experiences than I can count with rejecting men, it became hard not to interact with them as something dangerous.
I had learned to survive masculine desire with unconscious strategies of placation and manipulation from a young age due to my fear and my socialization to cultivate male desire for social value.
Of course the confusion and torment is excruciatingly intensified by the unquenchable attraction I have with masculinity. I am predominantly heterosexual in a very queer way. I’m attracted to masculinity in a person, whatever their sex or gender.
The masculine fears rejection, derision and humiliation from the feminine. The feminine fears abusive or violent reprisal for rejection. Fear of reprisal for rejecting a man sexually starts in early adolescence, sometimes even earlier. It can create survival techniques that, when entrenched, can become dysfunctional behavior.
Asserting clear boundaries becomes full of conflict, fear, avoidance and mixed messages. Even for those women who have not experienced trauma from abuse, most will pretend they have a boyfriend or husband in order to put off a persistent masculine suitor rather than state that they themselves are not interested.
They don’t trust that a man can take rejection with grace and respect so they attempt to limit the likelihood of reprisal for rejecting a man’s advances. The logic is that a man is more likely to respect a woman’s rejection of him on the basis of respecting another man’s possession of her.
There’s a wound between masculine and feminine that is infected by mutual mistrust, ridicule and disrespect. Misandry and misogyny ooze out everywhere in equal measure with all manner of justifications. These gender wars are indisputably reciprocal.
I as often see women treat men (and each other) in an abominably sexist manner as I do see men treating women (and each other) that way.
The crucial inequality is that whilst feminine misandry has a damaging impact on men’s well-being, it is not institutionalized and reinforced in cultural power structures that threatens men’s livelihoods, safety and independence; nor is it so frequently lethal for men.
In this volatile cultural and personal context, my communication with men was layered with intersecting dysfunction. I could only interact with men as though they were a threat or a resource to be strategically handled.
It is very hard to heal my prejudicial attitude towards men in a culture where on average one woman a week is murdered by her partner or ex-partner and one in five women has experienced sexual assault. That is a lot of baggage to bring to every interaction with men.
Conflict between men and women is encouraged by a culture that indoctrinates us to be sexist. This conflict, the so-called Battle of Sexes in heterosexual attraction has only ever resulted in a pyrrhic victory… no matter who wins, everyone loses.
In order to extricate myself from this battle, I had to drop my prejudice regardless of the history — all of the history — personal and cultural.
I had to end the schizophrenic brainwashing of seeing all men and their desire as one large homogenized danger and the idea that it is necessary to elicit sexual desire to have social worth. I had to learn to empathize with each man I interacted with, humanize him not demonize him.
By empathy, I do not mean idealize them without discernment and be too cowardly to hold them to account for acts of misogyny for fear of losing their approval.
In regard to rejection, I had to find the courage to deal clearly, respectfully and firmly with men who made unwanted sexual advances towards me based on the individual circumstances not on my personal trauma and patriarchal cultural baggage.
For most of my adult life, when a man I was not attracted to has given non-verbal indications that he would approach me, I have given non-verbal indications not to. Thus in situations when a man approaches me anyway, I would already feel frustrated with him for ignoring my hint.
Next, when I would give an ego-salving indirect excuse for why I was not receptive to his advances, instead of clearly stating No, thank you, I am not interested, I found I was pursued regardless of my rejection.
Often my first unmistakably direct and clear rejection would be hostile due to my frustration that he was willfully refusing to take a hint. As is almost always the case, my hostility was met with their hostility. Their hostility to my rejection reinforced my belief that men have a simmering hatred for women under the surface of their sexual desire.
Over the last two years, I have been choosing to let go of phobia of men and learn to deal on a person-to-person basis. I took some classes in how men best receive communication in sexual negotiations, and I was informed that non-verbal hinting and indirect language is likely to fail.
Many men are not observant to non-verbal cues. They truly cannot take a hint. That was new to me. I had to learn to have compassion for the vulnerability of approaching someone, provided that approach was respectful. I had to learn to say No to the very first advance and to say it unmistakably, but with compassion and respect.
I’m still learning this behavior, but the times I have used it I have been thanked, earnestly, for rejecting men early and with kindness. That was a whole new experience for me. Often a first advance from men is indirect, which makes it feel awkward and impolite saying No to it directly, but overcoming this discomfort saves much trouble.
The line I used was: “I might be wrong about your intentions, but I just want to be really clear right from the start that I am not interested in you sexually, so I wouldn’t want you to waste your time here.”
The training in women to be polite to male advances for your time and attention causes women to feel harassed even when they’re approached respectfully, and men to see hope when in fact it is politeness masking discomfort.
In my recent experience of kind clarity, I have found my interactions rejecting men to be of mutual respect.
What men need to learn is to take No for an answer early. Persistence is not a virtue. If a woman wants you, you’ll know about it.
The cultural concept of conquest in seducing a reluctant woman really is part of rape culture. Please cease and desist.
It is not romantic, and even if it is initially successful and you do wear her down to acquiescing, there is little real satisfaction to be had. That person doesn’t really want you… there is very little to feel truly good about in that kind of connection.
I acknowledge that a culture that shames female sexual desire creates some confusion in this issue of clear Yes and No as women and girls are discouraged by culturally indoctrinated slut-shaming from expressing their desire for sex.
When a truthful Yes is shamed, No becomes unnecessarily complicated. It is equally confused by the socialization of women to cultivate male desire for their self-worth and social value, rather than simply because they are attracted to someone.
With all this taken into consideration, the vast and complex issues of gender relations won’t be resolved with disrespect and antagonism from whomever… no matter how justified you feel.
We need to trust and respect the power of No. We can cultivate a culture where people feel free to express Yes or No truthfully, regardless of gender. We are not entitled to get love and/or sex from each other, but we are entitled to respect.
Freely expressing and accepting Yes and No from each other with clarity and respect is absolutely essential to the maturing of humanity.
*****
“Helen Betty Corday has really lived” — that’s what she wants her epitaph to read. Well, either that, or “the trouble with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.” She’s a seeker of truth, an explorer of curiosities, a troublemaker, a rabble-rouser, a traveler, an adventurer of inner and outer realms, a student of history, a hedonist, a mother, a whore, a warrior, a lover, a fool, a sage. She hopes her words connect her heart and mind to yours across the ether.
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