you & me

I Am Finally Moving Away From Heartbreak.

I lied before when I wrote my last letter to you.

There were many times when I said This is it. That was all I was going to let heartbreak do to me. I was through. My heart was done breaking. But what I didn’t know is that I still had so much left to learn.

So I lied to you — even if you never read it — and I lied to the world. I said that my life was rid of the break in my heart that you caused, and that I had successfully moved on. I did. I have. I am. I have moved, far, far away from you.

But, I also lied to you.

My last letter to you wasn’t everything I wanted to say. I wasn’t really through with you then. I wasn’t really me then. I wasn’t really done then. I was ready to be. I was happy to be. I was everything I needed to be. But I wasn’t.

Here’s the thing, I am, now.

Now I am ready.  Now I am ready to say goodbye. And it’s so very, very different now. Now we can see each other in a crowded room and smile at what we once were.

Now I won’t cry. I won’t slap you. I won’t embarrass myself in the crowd. I’ll smile from afar; I’ll say Hi to your new girlfriend who I know is better for you than I am. I’ll go on about my evening. I’ll know it was meant to be.

And that’s the thing, you know. Now, now I know.

Let’s get to the honesty of it. I fell in love with you. I fell so hard I didn’t have a f****** clue about what to do. I threw away my dreams, I threw away my rationality, and I threw away absolutely everything about me.

But I kept love.

I kept love because that’s what you were to me. You were love, and to me love was everything. So I believed in you. I really believed in you so hard it’s insane to think that I was wrong — so very, very wrong.

But I still believed.

So I ditched my dreams for you. I came to you. I moved to you. I tried to mold my life into you. I did this all because when we spoke it was as if we’ve been waiting our entire lives to hear what the other had to say.

And I loved what you had to say to me.

So I loved you. And then I lost you.

And that’s okay.

I lost you after being so helplessly in love that everyone around me would literally say What the actual f***? And that’s okay. You can say it’s not, but it is.

You made me crazy, but I was just crazy for you. You made me emotional, but damn I’m grateful to know what it’s like to love.

You made me so damn depressed by consequence that I thought I needed medicine, but I found the cure in my words.

So, thank you.

Thank you for being the cure to the problem I never knew I had. Remember? Remember back when I always wanted more? Do you remember when I wouldn’t settle for this or for that, and I wasn’t okay with just okay?

Well, I went for that with you. I settled for a city I hated for a boy I loved. I learned to love the city and lost the boy. What’s the irony in that?

But the thing is that I never gave up the dream I had before you. The dream lived deep in my heart that lay heavy in every cry, in every date, in every kiss, and in every Maybe this is it.

The thing is, I would never find that dream in someone else. That dream I could only ever find in myself. And I only found it when I lost you, when I lost myself, and when I found someone completely different.

So, here I am.

Here I am, world. I am single. I am crazy. I am just as naïve as I was before. But I’ve known love. I’ve known heartbreak. And I know what’s next. I know you’ll be okay.

Because I’m okay.

Do you hear that? I’m okay after you. I’m sure you know that by now. You’ll be married soon, and I’ll still be writing about you. But that’s the reason I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being the best damn muse.

I am a lover, and most importantly… I am ready. I am ready to take on the dream I had before you. I am ready to be the person I didn’t know I could be before I met you.

I’m leaving you in this city. I’m leaving you to the woman you love and the life that you’ve made. I’m leaving you in a place I hope I helped you make. Because you helped me make mine.

So thank you for teaching me, for guiding me, for loving me, and for epically breaking me. I am finally, finally ready to break away from you.

So I am leaving this final memory. With that, good luck to you, and thank you for being my muse. This, this is my last letter to you.

Thank you for breaking me, because putting myself together was the best thing that ever happened to me. And now, only now, I’m ready to chase my dreams in the city.

So, here I go. I am finally, finally ready.

I’ll never regret loving you, because losing you is the reason I’ve learned to love the world. And I love what’s ahead of me.

***

{Join us on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram}

 

Comments

Sonya Matejko

Sonya Matejko

Sonya Matejko is a blogger and freelance writer who is vibrantly falling in love with life in Miami and around the world. Her writing is featured on a variety of high-profile platforms and niche blogs. Her most popular article has been shared nearly half a million times on Facebook alone. Sonya writes about the dating world as well as traveling the world. She founded her blog as a home for hopeless romantics and wanderlusts. She believes passionately in love even if she hasn’t quite gotten it right just yet. Sonya steals lunch breaks and midnights to do all of this, on the side of her full-time advertising career, with the simple yet powerful goal of inspiring others to believe in love and to believe in themselves.
Sonya Matejko
Sonya Matejko

Latest posts by Sonya Matejko (see all)

Sonya Matejko