you & me

Is It Wrong For A Part Of Me To Forever Love You?

I think about you sometimes.

It’s rare now; now that we’ve made amends, you’ve moved on, and I’m about to move away. It’s infrequent and it’s usually fleeting, but I’m not going to deny that sometimes my heart misses a beat when I get lost in a memory of you.

It’s random, really. Sometimes I look up at the sunset in just the right shade of yellow, and I think back to a similar sun at the beach when I fell off of a rock and you first called me babe.

And sometimes it’s just reaching a new goal that I had made back with you. There’s still a little part of me that wants to call to say I finally did it.

It’s sporadic. Sometimes I’m just driving and I remember the exact song we sang at this red light, or the fight we got into after passing a certain stop sign.

Sometimes it’s an aisle at the grocery store that reminds me of a meal we once shared when you were teaching me how to cook more than just mac and cheese.

And sometimes it’s times like tonight when I look up into the candlelit horizon of lives and wonder what you’re doing with yours. Are you still living there? Are you living with her?

But most importantly, I look out at all of the lights and wonder (and hope) that you’re happy – really, truly happy.

So, yes, it’s been a couple of years by now, but I still think of you. It doesn’t worry me, really. I’m not concerned with the fact that you have a permanent place in my heart because I’m the one who put you there.

And that’s okay, because I would’ve rather known love with you for a little while than to have never known it at all.

Was it my last love? Probably not. Was it my true love? Who truly knows. But was it real? It sure as hell was.

I miss you sometimes too. This is more when I hit some type of personal high in the city that I only call home because of you, and then I remember how I got here.

I remember how I loved you, and for shorter than a butterfly’s flutter, I miss you at the base of my heart.

I missed you more when you called though.

I spent hundreds of days hoping for a call when I was in a place where I thought only your voice would save me. Hundreds of days passed without your ringtone and I learned that I could save myself.

But when I finally heard your voice, it was like honey to my heart — it stuck.

I missed you slightly more when you called again. I had forgotten about the first, and smiled at the cordial nature. Then it happened once more, and I started to look at the sky a little differently.

What the hell were you thinking? Was there some part of you now that maybe also started to miss me? And with a sip of wine, I sighed away the thoughts.

Now I start to pack up the life that was initiated by you. I collect the damage and I box up the recovery. I toss in the happy years I had without you. I put it all together, and this is going to be what I call closure.

When I leave this city, it’ll be complete closure for me. It’ll be the single last goodbye I say to you — silently.

As I leave, I remember you. Maybe I miss you. Yet I leave you behind as a single candlelit window. I am only taking my future with me, and leaving the past in boxes. And maybe I’ll think of you from there.

Maybe I’ll even miss you from there, but I’ll be far, far away, and the idea of us will be just a memory.

Before I leave, I at least thought that I would be honest… it’s the least that I could do. And I honestly have to say that a part of me is going to forever love you. Is that wrong? And is it weak?

I think the fact that I can admit something like this years down the road with a smile on my face is the very definition of strength.

So, a part of me will always love you. I will love what we had, however brutally catastrophic it was, and I will love it because it was also so beautifully destroyed that it only proves our souls had to intertwine — if only for a short time.

I will love the mess it left behind because I personally like myself better when I put myself back together.

Yes, I think of you sometimes, but I’m leaving now… and I think I’ll leave this thought behind.

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Sonya Matejko

Sonya Matejko

Sonya Matejko is a blogger and freelance writer who is vibrantly falling in love with life in Miami and around the world. Her writing is featured on a variety of high-profile platforms and niche blogs. Her most popular article has been shared nearly half a million times on Facebook alone. Sonya writes about the dating world as well as traveling the world. She founded her blog as a home for hopeless romantics and wanderlusts. She believes passionately in love even if she hasn’t quite gotten it right just yet. Sonya steals lunch breaks and midnights to do all of this, on the side of her full-time advertising career, with the simple yet powerful goal of inspiring others to believe in love and to believe in themselves.
Sonya Matejko
Sonya Matejko

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