Love, Lace or Lust: The Conundrum of Conforming.
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For richer, for poorer, in sickness, in health, ‘til death do us part… or is it until you grow up and grow apart?
My friend Don texted me a few years ago, out of the blue. We had shared one class together in college. We were never close; I can only remember one or two conversations I had with him. Don was the star athlete who got all the girls. Nevertheless, he was also down-to-earth and had a good heart.
When Don reached out to me, he was hurting. He sought me out because he knew I was open-minded and would not judge him. Now married, he was having a hard time with his sexuality.
He had an epiphany that hit him like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately for him, he realized his sexuality after he was already married. No, he wasn’t gay. This isn’t a case of sluggishly developed homosexuality.
Don was a cross-dresser; in order to have his fullest sexual experience, he needed to be dressed in women’s lingerie. He needed to have sex with women, while he himself was dressed as a woman. To put it simply, his sexual desires were unique.
“Live life so completely that when death comes to you like a thief in the night, there will be nothing left for him.” ~ Anonymous
Having myself been with women and men of various ethnicities, I am pretty progressive when it comes to sexuality. Well, when it comes to anything, really. Hence, I was certainly supportive of Don’s big secret. I did surprise myself though, in the fact that I was surprised by his revelation. I still pictured Don as I saw him in college: the Big Man On Campus.
Here was this big jock of an athletic man who needed to send me pictures of his crotch in lacy, dainty female undergarments. Apparently after I consoled him, which did include him crying on my shoulder figuratively over text message, Don then took this comfort and understanding as me having a desire to see him dressed in said female undergarments.
My shock was short-lived. It had to be. I could not allow myself to indulge in the jolt of his revelation. That’s not what Don needed. Don needed help, and I felt honored he reached out to me; he acknowledged that I would not judge him, but would instead help him. No matter what would happen in his marriage, or how his wife would react, oftentimes with secrets like this, the hardest part is admitting it to yourself.
Now that he had recognized this side of him, how could I help him live life to its fullest and be the happiest, most complete version of himself? Don is a pure soul, and is not ashamed of who he is, but he does have a family, and a job at a college where he helps shape and mold the minds of the future.
While Don and I were not appalled by his sexuality, how would the college and small town community he worked at be affected?
Many people spend a good part of their late teenage/early twenties years exploring their sexuality. Even for heterosexuals, there are plenty of one-night stands and sexual escapades. For many of us, it’s what college is for. I would not be who I am today if I didn’t have the opportunity to explore all of this before I ever said wedding vows and committed myself for life to another person.
Don did not have this opportunity. Well, he had the opportunity, but for better or for worse, he thought he found his soulmate at a young age. The jury is still out, and it is possible that he did find his forever person at a young age. However, he now has this yearning to fully explore this sexuality, this side of him that he buried and kept from existing even in his own mind.
While I wonder where Don’s life would be had he realized his true sexuality when he was younger, before he got married, that simply isn’t the case. He is married. When you’re married, the person to really talk to about these things is your spouse. It is only healthy for so long to go to an outsider, like me, with problems like this.
Trying to be a good friend, I encouraged him to talk to his wife, Jessica, as that’s what I would want my husband to do. She wasn’t upset by his disclosure, but she also did not really support it. Unwilling to let her husband dress in lingerie, or to act out his fantasies, she incidentally created a rift in their marriage.
Don now had this elephant in the room that is constantly on his mind, and his wife essentially wanted nothing to do with it.
What happens when you get married young (for argument’s sake, I’ll define young as under the age of 25), and you grow into a completely different person from who you were when you said your vows?
Whether it be sexuality that was undiscovered in youth, a career passion that leads you on a different path, or something else that shifts who you are as a person, how does the marriage recover? Will your life be more fulfilled if you uphold your marriage vows? Or, will you be more content in life if you free yourself of the commitment you made, which enables you to be the truest version of yourself?
Don is in his thirties now, has a couple of kids, and he’s unhappy. He’s not miserable because he’s married, or because he has children. He’s not even tormented with guilt because he feels obligated to uphold the marital vows he took a decade ago. On the contrary, his family brings him a great deal of happiness.
Don is in pain because he has to hide such a big piece of himself. He is not whole. The perception that your partner or spouse completes you, and makes you feel like a happy, healthy person is missing for Don. Every day, he looks at his wife and sees someone who doesn’t support his sexuality. Rightly or not, he looks at her as holding him back from being fulfilled sexually.
I know dozens of people who got married young, and almost all of them have changed radically. In some cases, their marriages have survived, and others have not.
If, when he got married, Don wanted to never leave his hometown, does that mean he cannot ever change his mind? If his wife was also from his small hometown and never wanted to leave, does that mean Don could never act upon a desire developed later in life to become a world-traveling photographer? Such a passion for world travel would eat him up, in much the same way that his sexuality bothers him daily.
The conundrum with marriage is that vows are to be taken seriously, but we also only get one life to live. To me, marriage is forever, with forever being a long time. How do we stay in marriages with people who might not be a good fit for us? Do we spend our forever miserable or do break our marriage vows? Is there an in-between?
My heart goes out to those who are struggling with their marriages like Don. I suspect Don’s marriage will not only be saved, but that they will also grow closer together as a result of this. Don and Jessica are great people who have a deep love for each other. For Don, and many others experiencing similar marital problems, communication at this juncture is paramount.
With trust, hard work, and open communication, marriages can survive fundamental changes in one, or both, of the spouses. Marriage is a two-way street. In Don’s case, Jessica should try being more open-minded about helping Don explore this side of his sexuality, whereas Don should remember that there is a lot about Jessica that he loves and is physically attracted to.
For my part in all of this, I will continue to encourage Don to turn to his spouse. Of course I will provide support as needed, but I will try to steer him to Jessica, to confiding in and trusting the woman who he at one point thought was his soulmate. Maybe he can find that feeling again.
In the end, marriage can be ’til death do us part. It can also be long-lasting even as we grow up and change ourselves. Change doesn’t have to mean growing apart. It can, instead, be the best thing to ever happen to a marriage, and can allow two people to grow closer together, and find even more fulfillment in the relationship.
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Debbie Botke is a 30-something residing in Northern Virginia, just outside of the nation’s capital. She’s lived all over the country, from Pennsylvania and Georgia to the state of Washington and Florida, with a few other locations sprinkled in there. A world traveler, having been to nearly all 50 states and several countries, she’s always open to new people and new experiences. Her career has taken her from a librarian position to an engineering position working for the government. She can be found on Twitter.
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