The Reason Why ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’.
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U2’s song has always given me great comfort.
My endless search and longing was acknowledged by a superstar, and Bono made it sound like it’s totally okay, even sexy, to drive around town running errands and following my routines, day after day, year after year.
Life can be boring as hell. There were times when I wondered if my local laundromat would go out of business if I stopped spending hours and hours every week washing, drying, and folding my massage sheets. I was exhausted, and felt sorry for myself because I thought for sure I’d be highly successful in something else already.
And then, at times, out of the blue, the heavens crack open and the gospel of angels come down to greet us. For a moment we feel like all the toys in the sandbox have our name on it. Like we have it all.
Why is that? Why can’t we feel the sense of having-ness all the time? Why do we so often feel lack, despair, loneliness, and dissatisfaction?
Even when we finally get the thing we have been wanting for years, that old dull emptiness eventually carves a hole back in our chest, waiting to be filled once again like the mouth of an infant, constantly hungry and weeping for more nipple, more touch, more food, more love.
Let’s talk about men and money, for example.
The usual program is to find a man to marry and have kids with, and make enough money to survive. In both cases, we are taught that the supply is limited, and that we must work harder and smarter to increase our chances to have it. We are also taught that we can’t have anything we want. And because men and money are limited supply, once we have it, we need to do anything we can to protect it.
We are also trained to think that anything we want is out there, and we must work hard to go after it and bring it into our lives.
The thing with this formula is that we can never win. As long as we are in a human body, there’s no winning in this game. The risk of losing our money or our man always haunts us, and our physical body has its limits too, being vulnerable for winter flus, injuries and aging.
This program is not designed to bring us what we are looking for. It’s designed to keep us in an illusion that we are powerless — the opposite of our true nature as magnificent beings floating through space.
In my opinion, what we are looking for is to be free from the kind of wanting that can never be fulfilled.
We are looking for liberation from our self-created trance that has kept us feeling safe, because on some level it is far easier to wake up each morning with our head full of familiar (safe), unsatisfied desires than to wake up knowing in our bones anything and everything is possible for us today and every day, and that each task, bill and obligation is a call for more love, more appreciation and more belonging.
Nature is a great counsel, especially when we need a pattern interrupt, something to break us free from the lie we are living. Just like the canyon echoes back our voice, similarly every single thought, sigh, and complain gets reflected back to us as if our reality was a giant house of mirrors not missing a beat. The world, and our immediate experience of it, is our clearest mirror, the inside spilled outside.
In these cases, we consult the Mother. My favorite is Ms. Thunder.
The thing about thunder is that I never quite know if I should be afraid of it. Of course, most of the time I think it’s silly to even think of such thing, but really, the loud rumbling and the sky raging should not be taken lightly. The heavens are claiming liberation, and when the lightning cuts the black horizon into half, I sometimes wonder who created all this.
When the heart breaks open, and the skies rage and earth shakes, I wonder if there is a Presence behind all this, a Presence so vast it touches us all when the time is ripe and we as humans are ready for the smackdown. I almost hear it shouting: Present time, bitches!
To be completely honest, when the thunder hits hard, I want to apologize for my stubbornness, for my smallness, and for my underdeveloped crown chakra. There’s also this deep comfort in the sky-rage. Knowing that there’s something out there so massive gives me sense of safety while I look up and pray to the thunder god to be gentle with us. We’re still learning, and second chances make us better humans.
Next time you are on a dating site looking for your match, or when you are writing your rent check praying it won’t bounce, exercise a possibility that you are the invisible hand, the Great Presence and Ms. Thunder, directing every single plot twist in your own movie.
There’s no one out there to get us, hurt us, or punish us. There’s no one out there to make our life better either. Every person in our current life received a personal invitation from us, because we wanted to play out a certain scenario. The beauty is that we can send them back home. But do it with great appreciation, because each person, place, and thing has served you well as your teacher, ally, and mirror.
Once we find our true love, and once we have enough money in our bank account, our life will not be any better than it is now. Instead, our life will only be different. Kind of like champagne is different from red wine.
But it is not until we discover the well, the eternal mountain spring that never expires, never freezes, and is always available that we can say, “I’ve found what I’m looking for,” and that very thing dwells inside and outside of you, as you.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams while in that knowing? Imagine working simply out of pure joy of participating? With zero agenda? Giving away your toys even when they have your name on it? Ever wonder what that would be like?
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