Are You Paralyzed by the Pressure to Be Perfect?
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What if, from the time that you were three years old, you were told how smart you were? Over and over. Enthusiastically. By well-meaning parents and doting relatives.
What if they praised you repeatedly for your many achievements and your perfect grades? What if you could tell that your parents needed you to be smart? That they felt better about themselves because you were so capable?
What if, when you arrived at elementary school, the work was too easy? You knew it before you were taught it. You learned things without really trying. What if you could get perfect scores on tests without studying and your scores were held up as an example for your fellow students?
What if you were told that you had great potential? That, of course, you would live up to this potential by doing something amazing.
Do you think that you might grow up terrified of failure? Afraid to disappoint others? Hiding mistakes? Paralyzed by anxiety? Believing that if you aren’t a super-achiever or the best at everything that you’re a failure? Thinking that all learning must be quick and easy, or else it means that you’re not smart? You’re an impostor? A fake?
Do you think that you might grow up thinking that you should know everything before you learn it so that practicing or studying or effort feels boring or scary or unfamiliar? That you have to be mature and adult-like at all times? That you can’t tell anyone that you don’t know something because you have to know everything?
Well, my dears, this may be the root of your perfectionism. The unhealthy variety. This may be the root of your possibly unconscious belief that you have to be super-smart at all times or you’re worthless and unlovable.
By the way, parents, relatives and educators aren’t conspiring against you. They don’t realize the effects of their reactions.
Understanding this root is the first step in changing its effects.
But this is not easy to change, especially if you’ve been living with these beliefs for a long time.
Know this: You are more than your grades, your achievements, your intellectual abilities. So much more. You are worthy of love, whether you write the perfect essay, win the competition, enter the elite school, get the high-paying job, make the right decision, invent the iPhone, or if you don’t achieve these things.
Somewhere deep inside yourself, you know your worth. You know who you really are. So, here’s an idea:
Imagine that there’s a place in you that isn’t about achievement or accolades or winning or losing. This place is just about Love. Just Love. It’s radiant and joyful. Maybe it’s a very young child part of you. Maybe it’s an old wise part. Maybe it’s in your heart. Maybe it’s in your gut. But trust me, it’s there, waiting for you to take notice.
In a journal or in your mind, write to or picture this part of yourself. Take your time. You may be skeptical. You may need to meditate first or sit by your favorite tree. Write a letter to this Radiance. Ask it to show itself to you. Ask it for help. Then write or hear its response. It might come quickly or you might need to wait for a while. Start a relationship.
I’m betting that finding the Love will soften you up. It’ll remind you of what’s really true.
And of who you really are.
And, by the way. In case you’re wondering.
There’s also a healthy perfectionism.
Maybe you have that too.
It can also drive you and your coworkers, friends and relatives a little crazy. It can still stop you from starting a project. Or stop you from finishing. But it’s not something to discard, destroy or disregard. It’s an inherent part of your nature. You were born with this.
Simply stated: You strive for beauty, balance, harmony, justice and precision in almost all things.
Am I right?
I might add that this means that you have extremely high standards and expectations for yourself.
For example: Are you often obsessed with an idea? Driven? Researching incessantly? Do you keep raising the bar when you reach a goal? When you were a child, did you fail to turn in assignments when they didn’t meet your standards, even when you knew you’d get an A?
See? What did I tell you?
What about this: When you see perfection in an ocean sunset or in a star-filled night sky, when you hear perfection in the music that you adore, when you taste perfection at that restaurant in Paris, does it take your breath away?
Or when you find the exact word for the story, or when all of the elements of your experiment line up just right, or when the poetry of the mathematical equation sings to you, is there a sense of satisfaction that is deep and unmistakable?
Yes? Good. That’s it.
But here’s the problem: Other people don’t get it.
It looks neurotic, dysfunctional, excessive, and OCD to them. Maybe to you too. It’s not. But it can get you kicked out of graduate school because you don’t hand in your poems on time. It can mean that your colleagues don’t invite you to join them at happy hour. It can mean that your taxes are four years overdue.
Did I mention that this might be a problem?
How, then, do you keep your vision, your idealism, your capacity for creating mental, emotional, spiritual or actual cathedrals, and still do your taxes, maintain friendships or stay in school?
First, recognize that healthy perfectionism is part of who you are, and it means that, with you, beauty and quality happen. And this is a good thing.
Second, look for other folks like you — I call them rainforest-minded — and appreciate their high standards. Invite them out for happy hour. Get feedback on your work from people with similar expectations and abilities so that you respect and believe what they’re telling you.
Finally, prioritize. Find the projects and activities that really don’t need to be exquisite or comprehensive or ridiculously awe-inspiring. Excellence can be enough. Good enough can be enough. On occasion. For the less important things.
I mean it.
So, as you understand the deeper reasons for the two types of perfectionism, and learn how to approach your pressures and drives, you can get un-paralyzed and be who you really are, in all of your exquisite, ridiculously awe-inspiring, perfection.
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Paula Prober is a licensed counselor, consultant, author, blogger, and tango dancer in private practice in Eugene, Oregon. She’s spent over 30 years working with gifted youth and adults in her practice and in schools, universities, at conferences and webinars. Paula invented the expression ‘rainforest mind’ to describe humans who are highly sensitive, intense, curious, smart, and misunderstood. She consults internationally with rainforest-minded adults and parents of gifted children. Her book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, was released in June 2016. She blogs at Your Rainforest Mind, a blog in support of the excessively curious, creative, smart and sensitive.
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