I Chose What ‘Me’ Is.
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Some of us wonder, more than others, why we lose it. Temporarily lose our balance, ourselves, our peace, our will, simply who we are.
I’ve lost it. myself, my confidence, my balance, my calmness, my security, my love, my passion, my sense of belonging. All in one week. It seems to be a ripple effect. When you’re in a relationship especially, things get triggered, there are periods where everything seems to become more difficult.
An issue with your lover, pride, ego, and you really begin to see where you are harvesting. You begin to blame, wonder if it’s you, if it’s right, if it would be this difficult if you were partnered elsewhere. You’ve opened that door. The door of what if I’m not good enough, my past, these things that have happened to me. I have issues.
Throw PMS in there, and you have a nice little recipe for living. (insert sarcastic smirk here, maybe with an added eye roll)
How do you get yourself back? Especially on sleepless nights? Why is it that because of other people’s issues, we begin to allow those insecurities to come alive in ourselves and our relationships?
“Is it me?”
“Is it because my dad left my mom?”
“Is it because of the unfaithfulness all around?”
Opening that questioning door, and feeling things that actually don’t exist in a relationship, leads you right to projecting them and giving them power to come to fruition as a reality. When we are not conscious of our mind, we lose the rationale to distinguish fear from intuition.
“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality.” ~ Earl Nightingale
What if it is me? I could be right. My dad leaving when I was 20 has planted this seed in the back of my mind and in my soul, a seed that still doesn’t resonate with me… I’m yet to understand its power. I am responsible however for watering it. I have nourished that seed and planted similar ones all around it.
Heck, I’ve let the whole forest grow. That was my choice. That is my lesson. So here I am, in this moment, bound to fear and anxiety-ridden over being hurt by my lover, the fear of heartbreak and the inability to sit with the uncomfortable. When you’re in it, it’s so hard to recognize the self-inflicted agony of holding on to what isn’t yours.
It’s those rock bottom moments that lead to reflection, that lead to growth. These moments should be admired. These moments are what shape us, what push us further to get to know and love ourselves.
Being a conscious being and growing out of what you were subconsciously programmed to be, and shining from your inner soul as the being you were created to be, is not easy! But man, it is worth it.
I have had enough agony. I have had enough of holding on and trying to think I know best of how to fix things that aren’t mine to control.
My dad leaving, in no exaggeration, ripped a part out of my core. I have spent years focusing on stitching that gap. Therapy, Yoga, isolation from any friendship or relationship that triggers unwanted feelings. What I did not focus on is, when my mind wanders to that forest of doubt and insecurities, to train myself to not harvest there.
So, what now? It’s up to me. Do I want to harvest in a toxic forest of someone else’s planted shit? No, thank you. I belong somewhere else. Somewhere I can charge my soul in wildflowers, and pour over love and light to people around me.
Finding your equation. The ever changing equation you create as a conscious being, to survive. Yoga, mindfulness, Epsom salt baths, breathing, being barefoot as much as possible, tea, self-love, Meyer lemon water after you open your eyes in the morning, and lavender oil on your soles before you dream… repetition of these things.
Adding and subtracting as you support yourself over time.
I am vouching, here and now, lost relationship or my forever love: whatever happens, I choose to harvest my own garden, of authentic joy and gratitude. It might take a conscious effort every single day to stop my mind and bring it back home. But that fight is worth it.
Life is short, and there is no energy that is meant to be sulking in pure shit.
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Erica Fowler resides in southern California, along the salty coast. A passion that she couldn’t explain has pulled at her heart since she was a little girl. Five years ago, she recognized that she was in control of what she wanted to create in her life. Since then, she has led a teen recovery group for four years, dove in to her passion for writing, and taken on a key role in a startup to change the way people are able to access clean energy and water. She is committed to express her heart in the rawest way, so others to can begin to truly be who they are. She’s working on her first book, and thinks the best things in life are simple and free, and mostly need to be experienced near wildflowers, saltwater, and barefoot. You could contact her via Instagram.
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